Loving Jarrod
by Vol lady
Summary: AU - MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH I found when I wrote "Loving Beth" that I liked her so much I couldn't help thinking about what would happen to her "if". In this AU, Cass Hyatt doesn't kill Beth – he kills Jarrod.
1. Chapter 1

Loving Jarrod

Chapter 1

"Oh, Jarrod, look at these lovely flowers," she said and leaned over to pick one.

She heard the shot. She even felt it whistle over her back, but she didn't understand what it was or what was happening, not even when Jarrod fell backwards, away from her, over the log he'd been sitting on. She looked frantically. What was happening? What was happening?

Jarrod lay still, one leg still lying over the log, the other bent at the knee. Beth looked but at first did not understand. Then she saw it – it was just a little bit of red on his white shirt, almost dead center in his chest. Just a little bit of blood.

"Jarrod?" she said, and she bent to him.

His eyes were open.

"Jarrod?" Her panic grew. He wasn't answering. His eyes were open, but he wasn't answering. "Jarrod!"

Beth didn't know what to do. She couldn't move him – he was too big for her to move. She looked around and saw no one and she didn't know what to do. She didn't want to leave him like this. Shaking, crying, she tore off a bit of her petticoat and bundled it into a bandage that she pressed against the wound.

"Jarrod, please, Jarrod," she began to cry, shaking more. She had to go for help, but how could she leave him? She had to keep pressure on that wound. What could she do?

She spotted a rock, and she laid it against the bandage. It was pressure, at least.

"Jarrod, I'm going for help! I'm going for help!"

She ran back up to the buggy and frantically turned it around. She knew how to drive a buggy, but she had never driven one this fast before. Still, she had to get help. Shaking and crying and screaming she drove as fast as she could, back to the house.

Nick and Heath had just come in from town, just finishing unloading a wagon of supplies when they saw Beth coming. Alone, driving madly. "What's this?" Nick asked.

Heath went to her first, grabbing hold of the horse to stop it. Nick came and helped Beth down. She was wet with tears, frantically crying, "Somebody shot him! Somebody shot Jarrod! You have to help him, please!"

Nick and Heath both felt alarm rise up. "Where?" Nick asked. "Where did this happen?"

"Up by a lake," Beth panted and sobbed. "He called it Isla del Cielo. Please, you have to go get him."

"Ciego!" Nick called and the stable man came running. "Take Mrs. Barkley into the house. We'll go get him, Beth. I know where he is and we'll go get him."

Heath threw the rest of the supplies out of the wagon onto the ground, and then climbed in the seat beside Nick. Nick drove off, as fast as Beth had driven in.

Victoria had heard the commotion and met Beth and Ciego at the door. She quickly took Beth into her arms. "What is it, Beth? What happened?"

She looked at her mother-in-law and didn't know how to tell her. "Someone shot Jarrod. I got here as fast as I could. I couldn't move him."

Victoria's heart fell right out of her. Trembling, she took Beth inside, and now she knew that despite what might be happening out there, she had to be a rock for this woman falling apart in her arms. Beth was not only a new bride. She was a stranger in a house she'd been in for barely two days, among people she didn't know. For now Victoria had to forget Jarrod was her son. Right now, Jarrod was Beth's husband.

XXXXXXX

Nick and Heath flew up to the lake Nick knew that Jarrod loved, and they looked frantically for him everywhere until they saw him lying partly across the log near the edge of the water. They pulled up, jumped down and ran as fast as they could down to where Jarrod lay.

"Jarrod – " Nick said as he and Heath both fell to their knees beside him. Nick carefully removed the rock Beth had placed on her husband's chest for pressure, and he saw the bloodstained cloth. It wasn't stained that badly, not that much. He removed it slowly and opened Jarrod's shirt, to see what the damage was.

But Heath said, quietly, "Nick, he's dead."

Nick looked up at him, confused, shaking his head. "No."

"Nick – " Heath said and a sob followed.

Nick put his hand against Jarrod's chest, ignoring the blood, realizing there wasn't much of it because Jarrod's heart wasn't beating anymore. "Oh, God, Jarrod – " he moaned, he sobbed. He took his older brother into his arms and held him. "Oh, Jarrod, no, no – "

Heath sat back on the ground, crying as well. He looked around. He tried to figure out where the shot that took Jarrod might have come from and decided it was from the top of the hill. Turning his attention back to Nick, he put his hand on Nick's back, trying to comfort him. But Nick was moaning, crying, rocking his older brother in his arms.

"Nick, we gotta take him home," Heath finally said, hardly able to get the words out.

Nick eased Jarrod back to the ground. Those blue eyes that were so full of life were gray and empty now, seeing nothing, ever again. Nick sobbed and closed them. "Jarrod – "

Heath got up, and Nick began to stand with him. Nick pulled Jarrod into his arms, but Jarrod was too big a man for Nick to carry alone. Heath helped him. Together they carried Jarrod back to the wagon and laid him in the wagon bed.

Nick left his hand on Jarrod's chest. He couldn't leave him lying there alone, untouched. Nick had the irrational need to comfort his dead brother. Heath understood.

"Nick, stay in the back with him," Heath said. "I'll drive."

When they got back to the house, there were several men waiting there with Ciego. Heath pulled in and to a stop. Nick got himself out of the back of the wagon and said, to whoever was listening, "He's dead."

Moans went all around. Heath said, "I'll go get a blanket," and headed for the house.

Victoria was at the door, alone, her face ashen and wet. She knew. Heath just put his arms around her, and when she began to weep he just held her tighter. "Mother – I'm so sorry," Heath said.

Victoria tried to get herself together, but all she could say was, "Bring him inside."

Heath just held onto her while she cried and trembled. Nick came up beside them, and Heath looked at him, unable to let go of Victoria. Nick said, "I'll get that blanket."

He went inside – and found Beth standing there in the foyer. Nick stopped. He didn't know what to do or say. Beth was just standing there like a stone statue, not sobbing anymore, just cold and gray and staring. Nick came to her and put his arms around her. "We'll take care of him," he said as softly as he could. "We'll take care of you, too. We'll get through this."

Nick wanted to know what she saw up there. Did she see Cass Hyatt do this, or anyone else? But he knew better than to ask now. As Heath brought Victoria in through the door, Victoria reached for Beth, and the two women went into the parlor and sat down together on the settee. Wordlessly, Nick and Heath fetched a blanket and went back outside.

They took the blanket to the wagon, Nick saying to no one in particular, "Somebody go to town and get Sheriff Madden, and Dr. Merar, too." Then he and Heath spread the blanket out as best they could beside Jarrod in the wagon bed and lifted him gently onto it. Then they wrapped the blanket around him, Nick lingering again, not willing to stop touching his brother. Finally, without words, they lifted him out of the wagon together and took him into the house.

Victoria and Beth both sobbed more as his brothers carried Jarrod through the foyer and up the stairs. They took him to his room – his and Beth's room. Silas was there, weeping silently. He had turned the bed down, and as Nick and Heath laid Jarrod atop it, Silas lifted the blanket and coverlet over him, beginning to cover him up completely. But Nick stopped him. "No. Not yet. Please."

Silas left Jarrod's face uncovered. Then the three of them stood there, staring, wiping their faces.

Silas said, "I'll get some water. We'll take care of him."

"Not until the sheriff sees him as he is," Nick said. "He and the doctor will both need to see him."

Silas said, "I'll stay with him if you want to be with your mama and Mrs. Beth."

Nick and Heath both looked at Silas, sad, grateful. "Thank you, Silas," Nick said.

Heath gave Silas's arm a pat as he and Nick left the room and went back downstairs.

The women at the settee had gotten themselves more together again, although Victoria continued to keep her arms around Beth. But they both looked up at Nick and Heath, faces full of grief. Beth's had something else – understanding.

Beth said, "It was Cass Hyatt, wasn't it?"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Sheriff Madden had counted Jarrod Barkley as one of his closest friends for years. There had been several times he despaired for the man's safety, but he never thought he'd live to see this – his old friend dead in his bed with a bullet in his chest, his bride stone shocked in the living room, his mother holding tight to nearly loose ends and his brothers as close to murder as they could get without actually committing it. The sheriff looked up at Dr. Merar after the good doctor had examined Jarrod and said, "A bullet wound, straight to the heart. He never had a chance. If it's any consolation at all, he never knew what hit him."

The sheriff shook his head. "It's no consolation at all, not to anybody. Can you take the bullet out? I'll need it for evidence."

"Have you got a suspect?"

"Cass Hyatt. I picked him up as soon as that Barkley hand got to town and told me Jarrod was dead. Man had the idiocy to claim it wasn't him, but I have his rifle and I'll want to see if it's the same kind of bullet."

"All right," Dr. Merar said, "but I'd rather do it in town, if the family is going to let the undertaker take him."

Sheriff Madden shook his head. "When his father died, they took care of him out here. I expect they'll take care of Jarrod here, too."

"All right," the doctor said and began to get some instruments out. "Fetch me that towel over there. They don't need to see any more blood around here."

Sheriff Madden brought the towel over and handed it to the doctor. As he did, he looked at the face of his old friend dead in front of him, cold and distant, as if there had never been a man there who gave impassioned speeches in courts of law, and who laughed and loved and married that woman downstairs.

The doctor saw the distress in the sheriff's face. "You go on, Fred. I'll be down as soon as I'm through. Go on back to town and I'll get the bullet to you there."

Sheriff Madden nodded and went downstairs. Victoria and Beth were still on the settee, exhausted now but still holding onto one another. Heath was by the fireplace. Nick was pacing around. Everyone looked up when the sheriff came down.

Sheriff Madden took a deep breath. "The doc is extracting the bullet so I can compare it with Hyatt's rifle," he said. "If it's the same kind of bullet, and I think it will be, I might be able to get Hyatt to confess."

"You better," Nick said, "because if you don't and he goes free, I'm gonna have him."

"Nick – " Victoria warned.

Nick looked at her, saw her holding a limp Beth in her arms. Beth didn't need to hear any of this now.

The sheriff hung his head. "Victoria – I just don't know what to say. You know I loved Jarrod like a brother."

"I know, Fred," Victoria said. "He loved you, too." Her voice closed on the words.

"Why don't I send the undertaker out?" the sheriff said. "You all need some help out here."

"We'll take care of him," Nick said.

Heath said, "Nick and I will make the coffin. We'll have it ready for services at the gravesite by tomorrow afternoon. Maybe you can tell Reverend Johnson we'll need him out here then."

"But we don't want a lot of people, Fred," Victoria said. "Not now. A memorial service later, but Audra isn't even here now. The family will just see to him tomorrow. And you and Dr. Merar of course, if you can come."

"I'll come," Sheriff Madden said. "I better get back to town and question Hyatt some more, but I'm hoping the bullet will tell the tale."

Victoria started to get up, but the sheriff held his hand up and showed himself out.

Nick and Heath stood staring at their mother and their sister-in-law. There just wasn't anything to say. This whole thing was so unreal. In the morning they'd had breakfast together, like any other morning, and now Jarrod was dead upstairs.

"Beth," Victoria said, "I'm going to have your things taken to a guest room. It'll be morning before we can move Jarrod – " She ran out of words.

Beth wiped her face, nodding. "I don't know what to say. I don't know where to go. I don't know – " She ran out of words, too.

Nick came over to her and knelt in front of her. "You don't go anywhere," he said. "You stay right here with us. We're family."

Victoria nodded.

Beth still felt numb, and awkward at the same time. "You barely know me," she sobbed.

"All I need to know is that my son loved you and you loved him," Victoria sobbed. "We can talk about the future in the future, if you want to, but Nick is right. Your last name is Barkley now. You belong here, and this is your home now as much as it was last night."

Beth buried her head into her mother-in-law's shoulder. Nick stood up and turned toward Heath. "We have work to do," he said, and Heath knew that meant a coffin to build, a grave to see prepared, and a brother's body to tend to.

Victoria knew, too. "Next to your father," she said.

Nick nodded. There was never any question about that.

XXXXXXXXX

Victoria would have seen to preparing Jarrod for his burial after the doctor left, but she had to stay with Beth. Beth couldn't be left alone, and she was not ready to care for her husband's body. "Mrs. Barkley," Silas said to her. "I'd be honored."

Victoria understood. When her husband had been killed, it was Silas who helped her sons prepare Tom's body for the funeral. Nick and Heath would be finished with the coffin in a few hours. Silas and the two of them would take care of Jarrod, and Silas could get started now.

Victoria took her houseman's hand. "Thank you, Silas. Please, start whenever you're ready. I'll send Nick and Heath up when they come in."

Silas nodded and went upstairs.

Victoria went back to the library, where Beth lay now on the sofa, asleep, exhausted, alone. Victoria didn't want her to be alone. She sat on a chair facing the sofa, watching that sweet, beautiful face, now all contorted in nightmares. Victoria couldn't control her tears, but she could keep them quiet for now. She didn't want to wake Beth. She just wanted to be with her.

She suddenly saw something on the desk, something she'd never noticed before, the back of a picture frame that seemed unfamiliar. Victoria walked over and picked it up – and fell apart. It was a photo of Jarrod and Beth together, smiling, holding hands. Their wedding photo. Jarrod hadn't shown it to her yet. It was just here, where he worked so often, where he could see it.

Victoria went back to the chair and just sat there, holding the photo close to her, crying. _My son is dead_, she thought over and over. _My son is dead_. She cried silently and didn't even notice when Beth woke up.

Beth sat up slowly, lost in the fog of sleep and the unreality of the night coming on, the night after her husband was murdered. She was in strange surroundings and with a strange woman she barely knew. How could any of this be real? Wasn't she supposed to be in Denver teaching school? Where was she?

She made some noise that attracted Victoria. Victoria quickly put the photo down and came over to the sofa, sitting down beside Beth and taking her in her arms.

"Oh," Beth said. "I thought Jarrod was here – "

Victoria cried. "No, Beth. He's not here."

Beth's beautiful face screwed up. "Oh, Victoria. I don't know what to say to you."

"To say to me?" Victoria asked. "There's nothing you need to say to me."

"I loved Jarrod for a week," Beth said. "You loved him for a lifetime."

"The week and the lifetime are over, but never forgotten," Victoria said. "We'll remember him and love him and go on."

Beth suddenly felt a terrible truth wash over her. "I can't stay here."

"Of course you can," Victoria said. "You were part of this family the minute you walked through the door. Your place is here now."

"But I – " Beth said, and she didn't know how to say the rest. She didn't know these people. She didn't love these people. She didn't even know if she wanted to stay here. No, she knew. Right now she wanted to be almost anywhere else.

Victoria understood. "I know we're all strangers and all we had in common is gone now. But you are in no position to go anywhere yet, and you won't be for a long time. And by then, God willing, you will feel more like part of this family. Don't run away, Beth, not yet. Stay here. We had our love for Jarrod in common, and that still exists, even if he's gone."

Beth ran her hand through her hair. Her hair combs had long ago disappeared, and she didn't even care what mess she might look like. Right now, she was just lost and confused, but this kind woman, the mother-in-law she scarcely knew, was reaching out to steady her. Beth took Victoria's hand. "I loved him so much, Victoria. Please believe that, forever. I loved him."

Victoria pulled her close again, and they both wept. "I know," Victoria said.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The hours were full of silence, but empty of sleep. Victoria got Beth to settle down a bit – she was utterly exhausted, but would not take the pills the doctor left her. She lay and tossed and turned and closed her eyes. Victoria sat with her, unwilling to leave her alone. Nick was sitting with Jarrod, joined by Heath after a few hours but not relieved. Nick didn't want to leave him. He, Heath and Silas had prepared the body for burial, dressed him in his best suit and shrouded him in the old quilt that Jarrod had always had on his bed when he was a boy, but for now Nick couldn't cover his face. It was cold and grey and utterly lifeless, but just as he couldn't let his dead brother go uncomforted when they found him, Nick couldn't let him go covered forever in death. Not yet.

During the night, Victoria quietly slipped in. Nick had finally fallen asleep in the chair, Heath in another chair by the desk, and she moved softly so as not to wake them. But she had to see Jarrod. She had to see her son once more, her first born now gone. She had to see his face, so cold and empty. She had to touch him, to feel that there was no life there anymore. She had to know that he was really gone. She kissed him, and she knew. If she could have taken him into her arms and pulled the life back into him, she would have, but he was cold, unreal. There was no one there anymore.

In the morning, Nick and Heath put the finishing touches on the coffin they had built and brought it up to Jarrod's room. Out of the blue, Beth followed them.

When they saw her, they just stood there. She walked past them to the bed, where Jarrod lay, staring down at the man she loved. Without a word, she touched his face, and then she kissed him on the lips, before the tears overtook her. She left as quietly as she had come in.

It wasn't until then that Nick could bring himself to close the quilt around his dead brother. Maybe he knew Beth would be coming and would need to see him - Nick didn't know. He just finally felt like it was time. He and Heath lifted Jarrod into the coffin and closed it up. Nick kept his hand on the top for a long time. He'd never see his big brother again.

In the early afternoon, they brought the coffin down and put it into the wagon, then drove it to the little graveyard where Tom Barkley had slept all alone for all these years. Victoria and Beth followed in a buggy, Silas and Ciego right behind, and all the ranch hands who weren't needed to tend herd. Sheriff Madden and Dr. Merar came from town with Reverend Johnson, and then everything happened so fast. There were words of consecration, words of comfort, words of finality, and then Jarrod Thomas Barkley was laid into his grave beside his father. His family watched as the coffin was covered with dirt. Beth whispered, "Good-bye."

The sheriff took Nick and Heath aside as Victoria and Beth helped each other back to the buggy. "The bullet that killed Jarrod was the kind I took from Hyatt's rifle," he said quietly. "It took some doing but Hyatt confessed. He did it. There won't be any trial."

"Will he hang?" Nick asked.

"He'll be arraigned and sentenced tomorrow morning," the sheriff said. "Do you want to be there?"

Nick said, "I'll ask Mother, but I don't think she wants to. I know she doesn't want Beth to go, and Beth's not up to it anyway. Me – yeah, I want to be there."

"Me too," Heath said. "Somebody should speak for the family."

As Nick turned and walked away, Sheriff Madden watched him, his feelings about all this plain to see, at least for Heath.

"You put the fear of God into Hyatt," Heath said.

Sheriff Madden shook his head and said, "I only reminded him that Jarrod Barkley had friends, myself included - and brothers." He sighed. "I think he thought if he confessed he'd get a life sentence instead of hanging or getting killed by somebody who loved Jarrod. We'll see."

When they got home, they took Victoria aside and told her what the sheriff had said. She said, "I'll let you two handle it. Beth's not up to it, and neither am I."

Nick and Heath did go to the arraignment the next day. Judge Farnham had known the Barkleys for years, had seen Jarrod before him many times. When they brought Hyatt in, it was all Nick could do to stay in his seat and not run up there and strangle the man. "Easy, Nick," Heath said quietly. "He'll get his."

After Hyatt entered his guilty plea, Judge Farnham asked if anyone else wanted to be heard, and he leveled his gaze on Nick and Heath. They both stood up.

"I won't ask you to take the stand," the judge said. "Let the record show that the victim's brothers, Nick Barkley and Heath Barkley, have indicated they want to be heard."

Hyatt would not turn around, but Nick glared holes in the back of his head. "This man murdered our brother right in front of his wife. He murdered him just like he said he would seven years ago, and he's happy about it. My brother and his wife had less than a week of married life together – less than a week! It was cold blooded, and it robbed my sister-in-law of her husband. It robbed my mother of her son, and it robbed my brother and me of our oldest brother. And it robbed Stockton of one of its finest citizens. Hyatt needs to hang."

Heath couldn't really add much to that. He just said, "Justice needs to be done, your honor."

And justice was done. Judge Farnham sentenced Cass Hyatt to hang, and two mornings later at sunup, he did.

Maybe that should have brought some sense of peace to the Barkley family, but it just didn't. None of the Barkleys went to the hanging, although Nick and Heath stopped at the moment they knew it was happening. They had run into each other in the hall, just outside Jarrod's room, on their way down to breakfast. They stood and looked at each other, and they couldn't stop the tears. "God, Heath, I miss him so much," Nick said.

Heath nodded. "I know, Nick. I miss him, too."

But they went on. Over the next few days, Beth did begin to talk again, and so did everyone else. The words were quiet and still deeply sad, but they were words at least.

Victoria and Beth began to work on some embroidery together. Victoria began to ask Beth more about her life back east, when she was growing up.

"Oh, I had a wonderful childhood," Beth said, actually smiling a little. "It was just my parents and me, and few hired hands who helped my father work the farm and helped us get the slaves who were running away from the south up north to Canada."

"That was very brave of your family," Victoria said. "Because it was also very dangerous."

"I didn't know how dangerous until I was older," Beth said. "Because of the laws, my parents could have gone to jail for helping those poor people, but thank goodness, no one ever called them out. The men who worked for us were braver, in a way. A couple of them actually guided some of the slaves further north. No, I didn't know how dangerous it was until I was older, but I was so proud of my family. They did the right thing."

"What kind of crops did you raise on the farm?"

"Corn mostly, and silage," Beth said. "We didn't have any cows or pigs or anything like that, but many of our neighbors did, and there was a market in Harrisburg for that. My parents did quite well, all things considered. We weren't rich – I didn't get a new dress unless I outgrew an old one – but it was a lovely way to grow up."

Beth began to talk more about the farm she grew up on, her family's involvement with the Underground Railroad, her experience teaching school before she came west. But she wasn't ready to talk about Jarrod yet, not about their time together or anything else. Not yet. And Victoria was not really ready to ask.

Audra arrived several days later, full of tears and pain and opening the wound up wide again. Audra didn't know until she arrived in Stockton that Jarrod was dead, and it knocked her for a loop. She couldn't talk – she didn't know what to say. The only thing that would come out was, "No."

"My husband died when Audra was only 12 years old," Victoria explained to Beth after Audra had been there for a few hours. "Jarrod was 26. He helped me raise her and their youngest brother Eugene. That's why they called him Pappy, because he was like a father to them."

Once Victoria explained that, Beth sought Audra out and found her in the library, sitting and staring at her father's portrait over the fireplace. She didn't know this young woman at all, but somehow Audra's anguish reached Beth in the place that wanted to comfort her, not be comforted. She sat down on the sofa beside her new sister-in-law and took her hands in hers.

Audra wept. "I'm so sorry. I should be comforting you, not you comforting me," Audra said.

Beth still held her hands. "I've had more time to deal with this. Your mother told me he was like a father to you."

Audra nodded. "My big brother, my father, my friend, all rolled into one. Oh, Beth, you never got to be family with him. You never got the years you should have had, like we had. You never really got to know how strong he was, how sweet he was, how intelligent and warm…" Audra leaned her head into Beth's shoulder. She couldn't talk anymore.

Beth pulled her close and cried again. "What I had with him was wonderful. I wouldn't trade it for anything."

Audra tried to smile. "When I was a little girl, Jarrod went off to the war and I hardly knew him when he came back. He was this stranger in this tattered and dirty blue uniform – his clothes were stolen on his way back home. And I was only four years old when he went away. But I remember, one of the first things he did was smile and wink at me. And I think I giggled."

Audra smiled at the memory, and Beth actually laughed a little.

"Then he went to law school, but at least he came home more frequently," Audra went on.

Beth saw Audra drifting off again, slipping from happy memories into grief. Beth squeezed her hands. "I know you think I never had enough time to know him," she said, "but that's not exactly true. Oh, no, I never had the time I wanted but we had the most wonderful days together, and it was almost like we knew each other from the moment we met – almost as much as you and he knew each other."

"How did you meet?" Audra asked.

Beth laughed. "He ran into me. In the train station, he just ran right into me."

Audra laughed, too.

"It was my fault," Beth finally said. "I was hurrying to find my train and not watching where I was going. Can you just imagine it? If I had been one second faster, or he had been – we'd never have met."

Now it was Audra who squeezed Beth's hands. "I don't know how this is even possible, but I hope you don't regret that you met him."

"Oh, no," Beth said. "I wouldn't trade it for anything."

Since that was the second time Beth had said that, Audra found it easier to let it sink in. Audra smiled.

And Beth said, "Tell me more – about growing up with Jarrod as your big brother. What was he like?"

"Oh, my goodness," Audra said with a laugh. "When our father died, he felt like he needed to take over almost right away, and he did. He was more of a disciplinarian than Mother was, and he thought I was SO spoiled….."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The women were in the library for such a long time that Victoria began to be worried. She thought she might be needed, that these two young women might be overwhelmed by the grief they had to be sharing. Granted, the suddenness of everything for Audra had prompted Beth to want to help, and that was good for Beth, but Victoria was afraid it wouldn't stay good for long. But at the same time, she didn't want to interfere if they were dealing with this horrible time together in a way that was helping them more than she could, so she didn't go into the library. She just stood at the door listening.

She heard laughing. She wasn't expecting that at all. For a moment she was stunned.

Audra's voice said, "And whenever I would ask him if I could do something and it was even the slightest bit outrageous, he would just sit there and very firmly say, 'No.' Just like an Indian chief or something, just a firm, 'No.' Well, I got so that I would just make up crazy things I said I wanted to do – never intending to do them at all – just to make him say, 'No.' And then, finally, he understood that I was making these things up, and he would say, 'No,' very, very firmly, and then he'd laugh."

"Let me guess – at some point, what you wanted to do was so outrageous that he actually said, 'Yes,'" Beth said.

"You're right! He did!" Audra said, and the both laughed together.

In the hall, Victoria found herself laughing, too. She kept it to herself and quickly went back to the living room so they wouldn't hear her, her heart just bursting with happiness. She remembered Jarrod and his "nos" too, and she remembered Audra starting to egg him on. The memory was sweet.

They talked for a long time, and laughed, and finally, Audra began to cry, and so did Beth. They held each other. "I miss him so much, Beth," Audra said. "I don't know how we're going to get along without him."

Beth said, "I know. Maybe it isn't quite so bad for me as it should be – I did love him, Audra, and I will always love him and I miss him every moment of every day – but I've had a life without him. I know one way or another I will get along. I don't know how I'm going to do it yet, but I know he would want me to find the way. I know that's what he'd want."

"You're right," Audra said. "I remember once, when I was maybe thirteen and he was thrown from a horse and hurt very badly, I was crying and I told him I didn't want him to die, that I couldn't get along without him if he died," Audra caught a sob, but then she smiled. "He just looked at me and he touched my cheek and he said very plainly, 'Of course you can. You're a Barkley.'" Audra wiped the wetness from her face. "You're a Barkley, too, Beth. I can already tell, that's one of the reasons Jarrod fell in love with you. You're a strong woman. You will be all right." But then Audra looked at Beth with almost a frown and flatly asked, "You're not going to leave here, are you?"

Beth was taken aback, to have that question from a girl she'd just met. It was as if Audra had already decided she didn't want Beth to go. "I haven't had the time to even think about that," Beth said. "For now, no, I'm not going to leave. I'll think about the rest later."

"Please, stay here with us," Audra said. "I know you don't even know me well and I don't know you, but Jarrod loved you, and that's enough for me to know I want you to stay. Besides, I always wanted a sister."

That last little bit made Audra chuckle a little and cry more, and Beth did too. "Let me just take the time to gather myself together and for us to get to know each other," Beth said. "I know, if Jarrod had lived, I'd be part of the family for good. Maybe I still can be, but everything has happened so fast. I just need time."

Audra shifted her hands to hold her sister-in-law's hands and squeezed them. "Let's take the time, then. It's what Jarrod would have wanted."

Beth nodded. "I'm sure of that."

So Beth took the time. She stayed at the ranch – in the guest room, because she couldn't face Jarrod's bedroom again. She spent her days with Victoria and Audra, doing the mundane things like darning socks and polishing silver and cooking meals.

Then, one day, out of the blue at dinner, she asked about what it was like to tend to a herd of cattle. Nick and Heath looked at each other and shrugged a little bit. "It's kind of boring, actually," Nick said. "There's not a lot to it, unless some problem comes up and the herd gets spooked or something like that you don't want to happen."

"Why don't you come out with us tomorrow, see for yourself?" Heath asked. "You and Audra can come out and work with Old Jube at the chuck wagon and get a real feel for what working a herd is like."

Beth's eyes brightened up. "Really? You wouldn't mind a tenderhorn like me out there?"

Nick smiled. "It's either 'tenderfoot' or 'greenhorn," he said with a laugh.

"Well, maybe I can figure the words out," Beth said. "I'd love to come out."

"So would I!" Audra said. "I haven't worked out there in ages!"

"Then it's done," Nick decided. "Up for breakfast at five, out of here by six, and Old Jube will have you roasting beef and potatoes by ten."

Victoria had to smile and wished she had a photographer on hand to go out there and photograph these two young women as cowboys, working a cattle ranch. "Just don't let either of these girls get too close to an unhappy steer," she said.

"Don't worry," Heath said. "If they don't poison us, we won't run over them."

So, the next morning, Beth and Audra went out to be with the herd and worked at the chuck wagon. It was actually fun, even if the food they rustled up was not anything like Silas might have cooked.

"Don't worry," Nick had said as he ate. "Beef and potatoes – you can't do much to wreck them."

"We had Pennsylvania Dutch neighbors when I was growing up," Beth said. "They taught me a few things I might talk to Silas about trying."

"Silas does love to cook," Heath said. "If you can add a few recipes to his cookbook, he's gonna be one happy man."

Beth took a moment to look out over the herd of cattle, to try to understand this part of Barkley life. Watching all morning, she had found herself wondering something. What part of ranching life did Jarrod have anything to do with? In a way, she didn't want to bring Jarrod up, but in another way she longed to. It had only been weeks, and Jarrod's memory was already slipping away from her. "Did Jarrod ever help you out here?"

"Sure," Nick said. "When we were kids, before he went away to school and before the war came along, he was out here a lot. He was good at riding a cutting horse."

"A cutting horse?"

"A special kind of horse," Heath said as Nick took another mouthful of food. "It can maneuver faster than a regular horse, because when you're trying to cut one steer out of the herd, for branding or something, you need to be able to cut right and left and backwards and forwards. Those mangy beasts can get tricky when they're trying to get away from you."

"Yeah, Jarrod was good at that when he was a kid," Nick said. "But he got the brains in the family, so he was the one they sent to law school."

Beth was surprised at the way Nick put that. "Didn't he want to go to law school?"

"Yes, he did," Nick said. "It just wasn't his idea, but he liked it, so he went."

Suddenly Nick remembered that he had to go to town with some legal matters. He was going to talk to a new lawyer in town. His heart clenched up. Talking to a new lawyer – he hadn't expected the prospect of doing that was going to turn his heart over yet again.

It was reflected in his expression, and Beth could see it easily. "Jarrod was a good lawyer, wasn't he?" she asked.

Heath remembered. "He was the best."

"And he was a pretty fair drover, too," Nick admitted with a nod.

"Did you ever tell him that?" Beth asked.

Nick smiled a little. "Not a chance. I didn't want him to think he was better than me at _everything_."

Beth smiled and said, "I doubt that he thought he was." Then she thought about something else, and she looked out across the herd. "I can ride a horse, but I guess that doesn't qualify me to herd cattle, does it?"

Nick and Heath laughed. "Why in the world would you want to herd cattle?" Nick asked.

"Just because I've never done it," Beth said. "I've never done a lot of things I'd like to do. Do you know, I've never slept outside under the stars?"

"The ground is hard and the air gets cold," Nick said.

"Aren't you Mr. Sunshine?" Audra teased.

"But the stars in the sky must be magnificent," Beth said dreamily. She remembered stargazing with Jarrod from the train. It seemed so long ago, with a man who was becoming just a dream now, not real.

They noticed her expression had changed, and they assumed it was some private memory of Jarrod that had touched her. Nick said, "Tell you what. If you want to sleep out here on the cold hard ground sometime and watch the stars, it can be arranged. Just as long as Audra comes with you."

Beth laughed as Audra's mouth fell open. "Nick Barkley, you know good and well that I've spent cold nights on the ground watching the stars before," Audra said.

"Then you and Beth ought to have a campout some night, maybe closer to the house in case you get too cold," Heath suggested.

Audra and Beth looked at each other, and Audra started to laugh. "They don't think we can make it through a whole night."

"They know you can, but they don't think I can," Beth said, and she perked up to the challenge. "All right, gentlemen. Ten dollars says you're wrong."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Nick and Heath both went wide-eyed. Was this the demure little Beth Randall Barkley they had assumed her to be? Or was there a mischievous side to this sweet woman? She hadn't had much to be mischievous about – it was good to see this part of her coming out, the part they suspected Jarrod fell in love with.

"All right, Tenderhorn, you're on," Nick said. "You two ladies, tomorrow night, all night. Close to the house in case you don't make it and Mother can be the referee."

Audra laughed. "You two are going to lose this bet."

"But they're going to stick me with a new nickname as revenge," Beth said.

Victoria had to laugh when Beth and Audra told her of their plans and the bet. "Well, all right," she said, "but you know I'm going to have to be completely honest about this, as much as I want you to win the bet."

"Don't worry, Mother, we'll win honestly," Audra assured her.

Luckily, the night they chose to sleep out was warm and clear. Audra and Beth chose a spot on the other side of the barns to set up their bedrolls. It was dark there and there would be no light from the house to keep them awake. But as they settled in and looked up at the stars, Beth found her heart breaking, and tears starting.

Audra could tell. "What's the matter, Beth? Are you all right?"

Beth swallowed her tears back. "When Jarrod and I were on the train, we took time to look up at the stars. The first time he kissed me – I mean, really kissed me, we had been looking at the stars. I told him about Polaris, how we would tell the slaves to follow that star when they were running away to freedom. I told him I began to think of the North Star as my star. Oh, Audra, I miss him so much."

Not far away, Audra reached over and squeezed Beth's arm. "We can go back in if you want to."

Beth quickly wiped her eyes. "And lose a ten dollar bet just because of a memory that I actually treasure? No, sir. Besides, what would Jarrod think?"

Audra chuckled. "Jarrod would think you should do whatever you want – but he'd hope you win that bet."

And they did win it. At breakfast the next morning, when Nick and Heath came to the table, they found Audra and Beth, in dreadful workman's clothes, coming through the front door, arms loaded with blankets. Beth immediately said, "It's time to pay up!"

They all laughed. In the dining room, Victoria could hear it, and her heart sang. To have laughter in this house again, and laughter from her daughter-in-law, was so wonderful, she thought even Jarrod might be able to hear it.

"So, did you count stars?" Heath asked as they began to eat, after Audra and Beth cleaned up just a bit.

"No, but Beth told me the names of a lot of them," Audra said. "She knows so much!"

"It comes from being a school teacher," Beth said. And then she began to think about something she hadn't thought of in what seemed like forever. For now, she kept it to herself. It was still too soon to talk about it out loud, but she let it brew inside.

XXXXXXX

The Barkley family and the town of Stockton held a memorial service for Jarrod not quite a month after his death. The family were beginning to recover then. It was easier to take in the songs, the eulogies, the outpouring of grief that was just too difficult to take before then. For Beth, it was still raw, and she frankly would not remember much of the service at all. What she did remember, though, were the people who came to her afterward, people she didn't know but who knew Jarrod. People who told her story after story about how he had helped them when they were in legal trouble. People who told her how he had shared a moment of playing catch with their little boy or picked up a little girl's doll for her when she'd dropped it in the street. People who told her he'd stood beside them and held their hands and saw them through the death of a loved one and the probate of an estate.

What the family saw happening was something they would treasure for the rest of their lives. Stockton was coming together not just for Jarrod's mother and siblings, but for his wife, too. After it was over, as they drove home, Victoria asked Beth if she were all right, and she smiled. "Yes," she said. "I'm all right. There were so many people with so many stories."

"I hope it wasn't too hard for you," Victoria said.

"No, it wasn't," Beth said. Then she thought some more and said, "The service was at first, but it wasn't hard at all, not when people began to tell me their stories. It made me feel – included. It made me feel like I was part of the family, but part of the town, too. It made me feel – " She reached inside for the right words and said, "It made me feel gathered in."

Victoria gave her daughter-in-law a squeeze. Perfect words for how Beth felt, for how they all felt. For how Jarrod would want them to feel.

XXXXXXX

The feeling of being gathered in with the people of Stockton stayed with Beth. It worked in with the thought she'd been having since she and Audra had that campout, the thought she hadn't been ready to talk about yet. But maybe she was ready now. "I wonder if I should go back to teaching school," she said one morning at breakfast.

"You don't need to," Victoria said. "Jarrod left quite an estate of his own to you."

"I know," Beth said, "but I think I'm getting anxious to do something, and I just love children. Do you think Stockton needs a schoolteacher?"

"I don't think so," Audra said, "but I'll bet the nuns at the orphanage would appreciate your help."

"The children there don't go to regular school?" Beth asked.

"Some are too young," Audra said. "I'll be going in tomorrow. Why don't you come with me?"

"I'd like that," Beth said.

After breakfast, Victoria lost track of Audra and Beth for a while, but Silas finally told her they had gone out for a walk. Victoria looked out of the kitchen window and saw them in the kitchen garden, weeding and talking, and laughing.

"She's comin' along pretty nicely, Mrs. Barkley," Silas said, watching Victoria smile.

"She is, isn't she?" Victoria said. "I like her, Silas. I hope she stays with us. I really do."

"Oh, I expect she will," Silas said. "Neither one of those girls ever had a sister. I think they're beginning to enjoy it, and while I know Mrs. Beth misses Mr. Jarrod, being with Miss Audra is helping her cope. I know it is."

"Just watching the two of them together is helping me cope, too, Silas," Victoria said. "I think Jarrod would be pleased."

"Indeed he would," Silas said. "It's just like I bet he hoped it would be."

XXXXX

Sister Theresa took hold of Beth's hands as soon as Audra introduced her. "Mrs. Barkley, I am so sorry for your loss."

"Thank you, Sister," Beth said. "But please, call me Beth."

"Beth," the sister said. "We're so glad to have you here."

"Beth has been a schoolteacher," Audra explained. "She really wants to get back to it, and I thought working with the children here would be a perfect way to do that."

The children were playing together, a couple of them a bit rambunctiously but most of them well behaved. Sister Theresa said, "They're all between four and six in age, but we do have story time and we do teach them some basic arithmetic and some abc's."

"Exactly what I teach," Beth said.

Sister Theresa smiled and turned toward the children. "Boys and girls! This is Miss Beth! She's going to be your teacher today!"

The children all settled down, and remarkably, almost all in unison, they said, "Good morning, Miss Beth."

Beth laughed. "Good morning, children. Are you ready for a story?"

They all gathered themselves together, facing a blackboard at the far end of the room and the chair in front of it.

"Well, I guess I know where to sit," Beth said.

Beth went over to the chair in front of the blackboard, and she looked down at all those faces looking up at her. Oh, they were all so beautiful. Oh, the children of her own she might have had with Jarrod –

But she kept that all to herself and smiled. "Now, let me tell you a story about myself," Beth said. "When I was a little girl, I lived on a farm in Pennsylvania. Does anyone know where Pennsylvania is?"

Hands went up. Beth pointed to a little boy who looked to be about six. "Between New York and Maryland and next to New Jersey," he said.

Beth was amazed he knew some geography. "You know, I have to learn everybody's name eventually. What is your name?"

"Thomas," he said.

"Well, you're right, Thomas, that's exactly where Pennsylvania is. I'm going to tell you a story about something called the Underground Railroad and how the farm I lived on helped the slaves escape to freedom a long time ago."

It only took a few minutes of watching Beth with the orphans for Audra to know that her brother's widow was in her element. Beth had the children sitting quietly, riveted, while she told stories about the Underground Railroad and the slaves she had met. Then, when she gathered them to work on their arithmetic lessons, they actually sat and listened to her and worked with her. It was marvelous.

"She's a natural," Sister Theresa said. "And we could really use her help. Do you think she would mind coming in a couple days a week?"

Audra wasn't quite sure what to say, because Beth still hadn't committed to staying with the family, or even committed to staying in Stockton. "I'll talk to her about it," Audra said. "I'm sure she'll consider it carefully."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

All the way home, Beth talked excitedly about the children and the day they'd had together. Her smile was dazzling, and it was so good to see it. Still, Audra was reluctant to bring up Sister Theresa's request. She decided they should be with Victoria when they talked about it, because it would be asking Beth to commit to staying with the family. She wasn't sure Beth was ready for that.

When they got home, when they were with Victoria in the library and Audra brought the subject up, Beth did grow quiet and sat down on the sofa. They could tell she was thinking hard. It was a huge decision and for a moment Audra regretted talking about it now. "I'm sorry. I suppose it's too soon to be asking you to make such a commitment," Audra said.

"No, that's not it," Beth said. "I really love children and I enjoyed spending the day at the orphanage. I really could see myself spending my life teaching them. It was what I was coming west to do before I met Jarrod, after all. It's just – it's still so very hard being here, without him."

Victoria said, "I'm sure it is. We all miss him terribly, but for you it has to be so much worse."

"No," Beth said and began to cry. "That's not exactly it. I am growing to love being here, being with all of you. I'm growing to feel like this is my home. But I'm doing it without Jarrod. I loved him so much, but every day he's farther away, while all of you are growing closer and closer. The more real you become to me, the more unreal he becomes." Beth caught her breath, sighed. "We never had a real life, you know? We had so little time together, and it was almost all on a train – alone together. Still honeymooning. Do you know we never even had one disagreement? Not one fight. We never had the chance. It was a lovely marriage, a lovely time together, but it never got to be real. We never got to be real."

Victoria and Audra looked at each other, not knowing what to say.

Beth wiped her eyes. "It's not that it's a hard decision, where to go, what to do. I love it here. You've all been wonderful to me, and I feel like you really do want me here."

"We do," Audra said quickly. "Regardless – " She faltered. The words were very hard to say. "Regardless of Jarrod," she ended up saying.

Victoria turned away a little. Audra's words got to her even more than Beth's did. _Regardless of Jarrod_. He was gone, and in a way even worse than gone. Except for a sweet memory, he was becoming irrelevant.

Audra quickly took her mother's hand. "Mother, I'm sorry, that sounded so unfeeling."

"No, no," Victoria said. "It's not that it sounded unfeeling. I know that you haven't forgotten Jarrod. It's just that every day, he does get farther and farther away, and that hurts. I know it hurts all of us. Because that means we're getting to the point that we really have to let him go, and we're becoming ready to do it."

Beth began to cry more heavily when Victoria said that. She didn't wail, she didn't fall apart. She just closed her eyes, wept, and shook.

Victoria took hold of both of Beth's hands. "We do want you here, Beth. You've made your own place with us, just as much as Heath did when he first came to us. Jarrod is no longer with us, and he won't be coming back. We really do have to let him go now. Regrets about what might have been – we need to let them go with him. We need to go on."

Beth looked up, her face wet. "I want to do that, but – are you sure, really sure, that my being here isn't just a constant reminder of – "

Victoria didn't even let her finish. "No, Beth, no. You're not a constant reminder of anything sad. If you remind me of Jarrod in any way, you remind me how happy he was - " She faltered, but she went on. "When he died. But you really have made your own place here. We want YOU here, with us, as a Barkley. We've been happy together, haven't we?"

Beth nodded, smiled. "I know I've been."

"And we can weather the bad times, too, not just the ones we've just had," Victoria said. "The ones that come with real life. The ones you didn't get to have with Jarrod. Because they will come. And I for one am not afraid of them."

"Mother never has been afraid of hard times," Audra said. "There have been some whopping big fights around here."

Beth laughed a little. "If you think we can weather them, then so do I."

"Getting back to teaching with the orphans," Victoria said. "That will help you settle into real life around here. And we all need to do that. We all need to go on."

Beth nodded again. "I'm ready for that. I really am."

XXXXXXXX

Alone in her room that night, Victoria took a few moments to look out of the window after turning out the lights. Her conversation with Beth and Audra had been weighing on her mind since they'd talked. No, weighing wasn't the right word, because it wasn't dragging her down. Not that it wasn't sad, thinking about what they'd said to each other. _Regardless of Jarrod_. Audra's words kept echoing, because Audra was so right. It was hard and it was sad, but today they had taken a step together. A major step into a future without Jarrod.

When anyone close to you dies – when Tom died – it took a long time for it to feel, really feel, like he wasn't coming back. For Victoria, today was the day she really felt like Jarrod wasn't coming back. Losing her husband had been incredibly hard, but losing her first born child had cut into a part of Victoria that she hadn't realized was even there, not until today. Not until she and her daughter and her daughter-in-law faced it together.

Victoria let memories into her soul – not that she could keep them out. The little boy she'd spent four years raising alone before her second child Nick came along, rocking him when he was sick, playing with him and making him laugh. Then watching as he grew up, grew intelligent, grew strong and tall. Aching when he went away to war, terrified every time a telegram came in that it would say he was dead. Rejoicing when he came home and became a lawyer and grew in his profession. Grew into an exceptional man.

Thrilled to see he was finally married, and then –

The tears dripped down her face. He was gone. He had lived his entire life in fewer than 35 years that went by too fast. He was gone, and he wasn't coming back, and the people who loved him had to settle into a new existence. They had to live life, be productive and be happy without him.

Victoria suddenly thought of Tom. She remembered the time when this moment came for her after his death, when she realized he was never coming through that front door again, never lying beside her in bed at night again, never anything again. She missed him more right now than she had in years. Was he coming back into her heart now because Jarrod was slipping out of it?

She finally turned away from the window, tired but understanding. This was the way of the world. You love them, you share their lives, and you go on when they've left you. It hurts, but the hurt eases up as you make up your mind and keep going. Victoria knew she was right when she told Beth and Audra they were becoming ready to really let Jarrod go. It had to be. But for one last night, she shared an intimate moment alone with him. She knelt by her bed and told him how much she loved him and how proud she was that he had been her son. Then she climbed into bed and fell asleep.

XXXXX

Beth said a similar prayer for her husband that night, but in the morning she had made up her mind about the future path her life would take. She was a Barkley.

She stayed with her new family. She began teaching the orphans twice a week as a volunteer, and she adored it. Their bright faces watching her, listening to her, playing with her, laughing with her – it was wonderful and it was healing. It was also a wonderful way to get to know the people of Stockton better, and soon she knew many by name and they would greet each other in the street or in the store or in church. She had taken Victoria's words to heart and not let it bother her that Jarrod was slipping away. It was the way of the world. It was the way she needed it to be to go on, to make her own place in Stockton and in the Barkley household, and to be happy again. Because somehow, deep inside, she knew Jarrod would want her to be happy again and this was the way to do it.

And then, something happened. Three months since Jarrod's death went by, and she noticed something. It hit her one morning just as she was finished dressing. She hadn't been feeling well for several weeks – her stomach queasy. Now her clothes were just a little bit tight, and she realized something else, something that hadn't happened over the last three months.

It washed over her like a tidal wave. HE washed over her, through her, all around her. _Oh, my God_, she thought. And she felt like every wonderful thing in the world had come and settled down beside her. _Oh, my God!_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Dr. Merar couldn't help smiling. "It looks like it," he said.

Beth felt a warm, happy calm came over her, more calm and warm than she had felt when she first noticed her clothes were no longer fitting. More real. Jarrod was there, inside her now, the sweet memory turning personified. She smiled. "It's about three months along."

"Oh, yes, that's what I'd say," the doctor said, as if there were any doubt. "This is your first child, am I right?"

Beth nodded, laughing. "Yes, yes."

He took her hand. "I know how bittersweet this must be for you, but you must look forward. This has happened for a reason."

Beth laughed even more merrily. "Oh, I know the reason," she said, remembering those love-filled times on the train. Tears came flooding out, happy tears, tears full of love and sweet memories of every night with her husband. And full of new dreams for the future. "I want to stay healthy and strong, Doctor. I want this baby more than anything I've ever wanted in my life."

"Well, I'll tell you right now, the Barkleys are a hale and hardy bunch, and there's every reason to expect your baby will be, too. As for you – " He reached into his desk and pulled out a paper. "This is a list of foods that are very good for expecting mothers. Eat right, go for a little walk every day until you get too big to do it, and we have every reason to expect a healthy baby and a healthy mother."

Beth impulsively threw her arms around him. "Victoria is going to be so happy she'll burst. Everyone will be."

"And I can already see you are," Dr. Merar said.

Beth left and drove herself home in the buggy. Everyone who saw her saw she was beaming, and some people wondered why. She was still in her mourning period – why was she so happy? But the women who saw her leave the doctor's office all knew why, and smiles began to bloom all over Stockton.

Beth was going to have Jarrod Barkley's baby.

When she got home, she gave the buggy over to Ciego, who couldn't help but smile on seeing her. "Ah, Senora Beth – you look so happy!"

"I have reason to be, Ciego!" she said and practically danced into the house. No one was in the foyer. She called, "Victoria? Audra? Are you home?"

Victoria and Audra came in from the library, looking startled and worried. "What is it, Beth?" Victoria asked.

Beth embraced her and then Audra, and she smiled like the world had just burst into flowers. "I've been to see the doctor. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to have Jarrod's baby!"

Victoria and Audra both stood shocked, but then burst into tears and smiles at the same time. They all embraced each other again. Audra even jumped up and down with excitement. "When?" Victoria asked. "When do you expect it?"

"About six months," Beth said. "Oh, I left my reticule in the buggy! The doctor gave me a list of foods that would be good for me and told me to take a walk every day as long as I'm able. Oh, Audra, I know I'm going to have to give up teaching the orphans for a while, and I'm sorry, but oh, I never thought I'd really be this happy again, but I'm going to have Jarrod's baby!"

They hugged and cried and laughed all at the same time. Unaware that Nick and Heath were already home, Beth was surprised and happy to see them coming down the stairs, having gone up there to clean up for dinner. They looked a bit startled at what was happening in the foyer. After all this time, all this grieving for the lost brother they loved so much, the house had been recovering, but nothing like this had happened. They weren't ready for the jubilation they were seeing.

Beth saw them and said, "I'm going to have a baby! I'm going to have Jarrod's baby!"

Nick and Heath both burst into smiles, hurried down, and embraced Beth and everyone else. For the first time since they lost Jarrod, the house was full of happiness and lots of laughter. There was going to be a new Barkley, and it would be Jarrod's child.

The summer was long and hot, and as she grew in size Beth became more and more uncomfortable, but she tried to keep up with Dr. Merar's instructions and took a walk every day that she could. She would walk early in the morning before it got too hot. Sometimes Audra would go with her, sometimes Victoria would go, and sometimes she would just go alone.

But she was never alone. Every minute of her pregnancy, she felt her husband beside her again. Several times she would even reach for his hand as she was walking, just in case he really was there to take her hand in his. One never knew, after all, Beth thought, and as time moved forward and she got bigger and bigger, she imagined him beside her more and more.

It was on a pleasant evening about a week before Thanksgiving that Beth hauled herself up out of Jarrod's old thinking chair and took a short stroll out to the verandah. It was a clear night with a piece of a moon disappearing in the west, but not enough of one to make the stars too difficult to see. Beth looked for the Big Dipper, for Merak and Dubhe, and she drew the imaginary line out to Polaris. She smiled, remembering Jarrod's star Dubhe, leading to her star Polaris.

"How are you feeling these days, Tenderhorn?"

Nick's voice behind her was soft, gentle. He could be that way at times, even though he would always be prone to hollering as soon as he came into the house. Beth smiled. "Like I might not fit in the living room for much longer," she said.

Nick chuckled. "Yeah, it looks like you're going to have one big baby there, or two smaller ones."

"Dr. Merar thinks it's only going to be one," Beth said. "Just a big one."

"Have you thought of names yet?" Nick asked.

"Still thinking," Beth said, although that really wasn't true. She was pretty sure she was settled on a couple good names.

"You know, we're all getting excited," Nick said. "It's been a heck of a long time since we've had a baby born in this house."

"Eugene? I still haven't met him."

"He comes back now and then, but he's making a life for himself in Baltimore."

"I've been to Baltimore, with my parents," Beth said. "Saw the boats in the port and all the sailors around town, and the cobblestoned streets."

She sighed and grew quiet. Nick said, "I can leave you alone if you'd rather I did."

"No," Beth said. "I like your company. You make me feel like Jarrod is a little bit closer."

"You don't talk about him much," Nick said.

"I have to admit, I like hearing your stories so much that I feel like I don't have enough to contribute," Beth said. "When I have this baby, I have a feeling I'll be so busy that Jarrod will slip away from me again and I'm ready for that this time. I know it's going to happen. It's all right. But right now I'm going to enjoy this time when he feels close."

"He'll never slip away entirely," Nick said. "Fifty times a day, something reminds me of him. Even that chair you just climbed out of."

Beth laughed a little. "His thinking chair. And I did have to climb out of it, didn't I? Sometimes I wonder if I'm the climber or the mountain."

Nick laughed at the way she put that. He had come to realize, in the time that Beth had been with them, exactly what it was that made his older brother fall in love with her. She was poetic. She had a way with words that could make you see pictures, even when she made you picture her as a mountain. "Have we told you how glad we are that you decided to stay with us?" Nick asked. "Not just because we feel so much better you're not off somewhere else having Jarrod's baby, but just for you. You fit in here so well. We all love you, Beth, not just because you were Jarrod's wife. We love you."

Beth almost blushed. "Thank you, Nick. I think I knew that, but it's awfully nice to hear. And I love all of you, too. I was worried at first – when Jarrod – " She couldn't say "was killed," so she swallowed the words.

Nick put an arm around her shoulders. "I know you were, but I had faith that Big Brother would still be looking out for you and would make sure that you knew where you belonged. You belong here."

Nick kissed her cheek. Beth looked up into those hazel eyes, not Jarrod's, but close. It was wonderful to hear Nick say what he said. "Thank you, Nick."

XXXXXXXX

On a cold night in early December, only two weeks before Jarrod's birthday and the first one they would celebrate without him, Beth went into labor. It was long and hard, but Victoria, Audra and the doctor were with her. Nick and Heath were left pacing the foyer, remembering that the last time they did this it was when Jarrod had been shot by the Dunigans in that freight depot robbery. Back then, they fretted that they were going to lose him that night. But tonight the fretting was more like anxious anticipation – anxious to hear that baby cry from upstairs, anxious to see the smiles and happiness in their mother's, their sister's and their sister-in-law's eyes, because they knew without a doubt that this was going to be fine. They knew that today, they would be uncles, and Jarrod's son or daughter would be with them.

"It's like waiting for old St. Nick," Heath said, sitting himself down on the stairs. It was beginning to get light outside, and they'd been up all night.

Nick smiled. "It is kind of, isn't it? God, I wish Jarrod was here. I'd enjoy the heck out of watching him fret and pace."

Heath pictured it, too. "Pappy would really be a pappy then."

Nick shook his head and kept smiling. "I'm not gonna grieve for him today, Heath. I'm gonna grab that baby right up and dance around the room with him."

Heath laughed. "You sure it's gonna be a boy?"

"No, but it doesn't matter, because if it's a girl I'm just gonna dance longer and happier!"

Then, only a few minutes later, there finally came the sound. Heath got up. He and Nick both looked up the stairs. In a while, the tiny wail became louder as a door opened, then softened as their mother came down carrying the bundle, her face wet with tears but full of smiles. She brought the little noisy thing down to Nick and Heath. They looked. All black hair and screwed up face and little fists fighting invisible little enemies.

"Jarrod," Victoria said, trying not to choke on the name, "this is your Uncle Nick and your Uncle Heath. Boys, this is your nephew, Jarrod Thomas Dubhe Barkley."

They expected the "Jarrod Thomas," but they both looked startled at each other and said at the same time, "Doo-bee?"

"Beth said she'd explain it later," Victoria said. "She's exhausted, but she's fine. Look at this little man. He looks just like his father did when he was born."

"May I hold him?" Nick asked.

Victoria said, "Only for a moment. He's been hollering for his mother ever since he got here."

Nick took the baby gently from Victoria, and as he held him, Nick began to cry. "Jarrod Thomas Dubhe Barkley," Nick said quietly. "Welcome to the fold, little man."

"Can't beat this for a Christmas present," Heath said.

Victoria smiled and shook her head. "It's beyond my wildest dreams."

Nick did a quick waltz turn around the foyer.

"Oh, Nick, don't, you'll make him sick," Victoria said.

Nick laughed and took the baby back to Victoria's arms. "This one's not gonna be all that fragile, Mother. Maybe his pappy was a bit on the sickly side at first, but he grew out of it, and this one here – he's gonna be the roughest and toughest of us all."

Jarrod Thomas Dubhe Barkley said, "Eh – "

"You heard me," Nick told him. "With a name like Dubhe in there, you're gonna have to be!"


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

It was late in the day before Beth was rested enough for the family to come visit with her and the baby. She was as pleased as she could be to have them all around her as she cuddled her son and watched him sleep. Seeing them all here, she knew her son would have all the love he would ever need, and he'd never be alone.

"All right, Tenderhorn, we have to know," Nick finally asked. "What's Dubhe for?"

Beth laughed. "When Jarrod and I were traveling here on the train, I told him that my star was the North Star, Polaris. Since my family farm was on the Underground Railroad, and my father used to tell the slaves who were escaping to follow that star, I just decided it was my star too. Jarrod told me that he had decided when he was young that his star was the one on the lip of the Big Dipper, because it poured all the other stars out into the sky." Beth choked up a little, but kept going. "That star is called Dubhe, from the Arabic word for 'bear.' The star below it, on the bottom of the front of the Big Dipper is called Merak, and when you draw a line from Merak straight to Dubhe and keep going, you come to Polaris. Jarrod's star leads to my star. So we decided that when we had our third and fourth children, their middle names would be Polaris and Dubhe." She laughed through tears. "It was really only a joke – we laughed a lot about it – but when this little Jarrod of mine was put into my arms, I could see that he had to have Dubhe as part of his middle name. I hope it doesn't sound too silly."

"Not when you explain it like that," Audra said.

"And I'll explain it to him like that someday," Beth said. "Oh," she sighed and smiled. "Isn't he one handsome little man?"

Victoria leaned over and kissed the baby on his forehead. "As beautiful as his father. But if it's all right with you, I won't be calling him Dubhe. I'll call him Jarrod."

Beth nodded, smiled, and kissed her son. "Jarrod."

XXXXXXX

Only a couple weeks later, on December 17, the family gathered everyone up, including the baby, and went out together to the place where Tom Barkley and Jarrod Barkley lay together. It was a fairly warm day, sunny and comfortable, so no one worried about the baby getting a chill. They were both happy and sad today, because it would have been Jarrod's 35th birthday. It was impossible to think of it as a day to celebrate, but as a day to remember, a day to share each other and a day to introduce little Jarrod to the rest of his family, it was perfect.

It was difficult to come close to that grave, but at the same time, they were all eager to be there. Audra kept hold of Beth's shoulders as she carried the baby toward the graves. Nick and Heath held Victoria's hands. Nobody worried about tears or memories.

Beth spoke first, looking down at the stone.

Jarrod Thomas Barkley

Beloved Husband

Beloved Brother

Beloved Son

1843-1878

But she spoke to her son first, moving the blanket back from his face. "Jarrod – these are your father and your grandfather. You're named for both of them – your father was Jarrod, your grandfather was Thomas."

Little Jarrod wriggled a bit.

Beth spoke to her husband then. "Jarrod – I know you'd have been surprised that you left me with this beautiful little bundle here. I know I was. He's healthy and he's strong, and he has your dark hair and your blue eyes. And he's surrounded by love and will be for all of his life, and beyond, just as you have been and still are."

All was quiet then, until Victoria said, "Jarrod – it was 35 years ago that you came into this world. Oh, I was so frightened. I was afraid I was going to do everything wrong. Since you were my first, you were the one who got the benefit of my biggest and best mistakes. Thirty-five years went by so fast. You were the best first son I could have ever had." She lost her words in her tears for a moment, but Nick leaned over and kissed her. She laughed a little. "Now we have your son with us, and his mother, and while we will always love you and miss you, we are comforted by their presence in this family, and we always will be."

Heath found words he was compelled to say, to the man who had welcomed him into this family and given him that cigar at Sample's farm not quite three short years ago. "Happy Birthday, Big Brother."

Victoria spoke to her husband then. "Tom, this is your first grandchild, and we'll tell him all about you, too. This little Jarrod is going to grow up a true Barkley, every step of the way."

And baby Jarrod gave a loud, lusty, "Eh!" to make sure everybody knew that he knew it, too.

XXXXXXX

That night, under a clear, warm sky over San Francisco, a young couple sat on a bench in a park on one of the bigger hills there and looked up at the stars. Above the city lights like this, you could see them all – or at least more of them than you could see from down below. The young wife rested her head against her husband's shoulder. She pointed. "Which star is that?"

Her husband was a scientist and thought he knew every star in the sky. His wife was still trying to catch one he didn't know, but he said, "You mean that one on the lip of the Big Dipper?"

"Uh-huh," she said.

"That's Dubhe."

"Doo-bee? What a strange name."

"Arabic," he said. "The one below it is Merak, and if you draw a line from Merak to Dubhe and just keep drawing it straight out, it leads you right to Polaris, the North Star."

"Huh," she said.

Her husband's face screwed up a bit. "Funny, though. It looks a bit brighter tonight than it usually does."

"Maybe the sky is just clearer," she said.

"Or maybe it's just me," he said. "But it does look a bit brighter – a bit happier."

She laughed. "You're a scientist. You don't believe stars have emotions."

"No, but sometimes it's nice to imagine they do - "

"Oh!" she said suddenly and put her hand on her large abdomen.

"Did the baby kick?" he asked.

"No, I don't think this was a kick!" she said. "I think we'd better get back to town!"

"Do you think the baby's coming?"

"I think so!"

He helped her up. "Maybe that's why the star is brighter tonight. We're having a baby!"

"Oh," she said and struggled to their buggy with his help. "We'll name him Dubhe," she said.

"What kind of name is that for a little girl?" he asked as he helped her into the buggy.

"You really want a girl, don't you?" she asked.

"I really do," he said and got in beside her.

"All right," she said. "We'll just see if when the time comes, we can find her a husband whose name is Dubhe."

He laughed. "That'll be all right with me – as long as he's rich and comes from a good family."

"We'll work on that," she said.

The End


End file.
